


Sometimes

by kittykat0989



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Overthinking, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 21:32:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15422022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittykat0989/pseuds/kittykat0989
Summary: Sometimes the mind doesn't stop. Dan knows this all too well, even from a young age. But sometimes, it gets better.Or someone helps make it better.





	Sometimes

_Sometimes_ , Dan asks himself questions.

Now everyone asks themselves questions. Like, why does the earth spin and circle around the sun? Or why is the sky blue? Or even more profound questions such as what is the meaning of life? But not Dan. Because Dan's not normal.

What sixteen year old boy sits alone in a dark room and questions his very existence? Apparently Dan's does.

He doesn't say anything of course. Why worry his already workaholic parents and make their lives more difficult? Besides why would they even care? They have his little brother who needs their attention these days and it's not like they even notice his existence anymore.

He hates his existence. Which he knows is wrong but he can't help it with all the thoughts that float around in his head. He wonders if anyone else feels like he does right now somewhere in the world but he can't ask anyone, can he? He's not stupid, he knows what the consequences of asking questions like that resulted in and he really wasn't looking to be locked up or have his head examined by some therapist who charged by the hour. So he did what most others do everyday. He stayed silent.

He suffers in silence. 

_Sometimes_ sadness follows the questions.

It's not that surprising when one is questioning one's own existence, is it? Just another question in the pile of questions. Sometimes, Dan gets sick of the questions though. He get's sick of feeling numb and sad and uselessly wasting away. Sometimes he wants to get up and do something, anything. He wants to know how to feel properly again and to smile and laugh and be a normal teenager who socialise's and has friends.

But Dan isn't normal. He's sad and lost and is looking for something to make him feel less numb. He just wants to feel normal again. 

_Sometimes_  sadness can withdraw momentarily.

It wasn't until he decided to open his unused laptop, lying untouched on his desk for months, that something changed. After watching numerous amounts of comedy videos which failed to make him so much as smile, he clicked on a strange video on his homepage which caused his eyes to widen in surprise and a choked sound emerged from his mouth.

Laughter…He laughed.

He grinned to himself, silently thinking. _'I mean, what kind of emo makes a music video about getting abducted by aliens? No, really.'_

Somehow, after hours of mindlessly and emotionlessly watching humorous video's which hardly fazed him at all, he had come across an ebony haired man with piercing blue eyes and decided to see what he was all about. He had no idea why though. Maybe it was because he seemed attractive or because he had known the song and was interested in the thumbnail. All Dan knew was that, hours later, he had subscribed and wanted more. 

_Sometimes_ happiness can be found.

Dan never comments, but he always watches. He'd been watching Phil, or 'AmazingPhil' as he was most commonly known to his subscribers, for awhile now. He was intrigued by the older man and felt pulled towards him for some reason.

He was watching a new video when he started thinking again. _'Okay, so some guy is going to have a big impact. An energetic warrior, he has a very hasty personality who is very quick to love or hate.'_ Dan smiled slightly, daydreaming of what it would be like to be the guy who would make a big impact on his life. But the smile quickly disappeared. How could he impact his life if he didn't know he existed? 

_Sometimes_ happiness is noticed by others.

Dan finally comments. After typing and deleting several times he clicks the send button and bites his lip. He doesn't actually expect a reply. It wasn't anything meaningful or noticeable when he does finally tweet Phil. It was mostly what hundreds of girls where tweeting to him and he just expects his tweet to get lost in the crowd.

He nearly passes out when it doesn't.

Amazingphil: 'Hey! Thanks for the tweeting me! I'm glad you enjoyed my video! :D'

The overwhelming and almost forgotten feelings practically drive him to tears. The one person who had made him the closest to happy he's felt since he was a child had noticed him. He had even bothered to message him back and that literally made Dan's heart clench inside his chest. He snapped out of his daze and, with a smile glued to his face, began to reply. Little did he know, it would be the start of many more to come. 

_Sometimes_ your smile can be noticed.

_"Do you know you have dimple's when you smile?"_

Phil was very inquisitive for a grown man. You'd think that wisdom came with age but after spending time with Phil, Dan didn't necessarily believe it.

_'Oh my God, really? And here I thought I'd gone crazy every time I saw the huge crater's in my face.'_

Dan was glad Phil understood his sense of humour as he watched the tip of his tongue appear between his teeth as he laughed. Dan worries that he'll get annoyed with his constant sarcasm and attitude but, when asked, the older man stated he found it hilarious and it makes Dan himself. Dan wished he knew who he was and began to question himself inside his head…But then Phil told him his smile was cute and Dan's thoughts were quickly silenced.

_Sometimes_ sadness is noticed as well.

Dan could usually be found waiting excitedly for Phil to call him on Skype because he always does without fail.

Every. Single. Day.

This makes Dan's smile a little bit wider and his heart beat a little bit faster. But not tonight.

Tonight Dan was over thinking and asking questions again. He wanted so desperately to talk to Phil but didn't want him to notice something was wrong. Phil could always do that though just by looking at him and Dan knew. Every Skype call starts with the him questioning how he's feeling and ends with him hoping he's okay despite the lies Dan tells that he's ' _fine_ ' and that Phil ' _doesn't need to worry about him_ '. But not this time.

When the familiar ringing of the Skype call being initiated by Phil dances round the room Dan weakly makes his way over to his laptop and presses answer.

_'Hey Dan! I hope you're ready for something amazing-...Dan? Are you okay?'_

There was silence for a few seconds before Dan whispers-

_'No.'_

And he cries for the first time in years. 

_Sometimes_ somebody can help you.

Meeting someone in person for the first time after months of talking and years of watching was more nerve racking than Dan had first anticipated.

The train bounced up and down and swayed from side as he blasted a song from a playlist he didn't much care for at the moment The questions were back…But not unexpected.

_'Think happy thoughts.'_ Phil's voice swirled through his head as the negativity began to engulf him and he blinks in surprise.

_'Remember you're okay.'_ Dan can feel himself slipping, falling into his familiar abyss and if he just closes his eyes for a minute-

_'Think of me.'_

In his darkness, bright blue eyes fill his mind. Long dark strands of ebony hair are soft against Dan's aching skin and a velvet voice soothes his ringing ears with soft words of praise and encouragement.

And when the train finally pulls up in Manchester and the man who, unknowingly, protected him from his own darkness is standing there with a giant grin on his face and open arms, well-

Dan practically throws himself into his warmth.

_"You're okay, Dan."_

_"I know."_

_Sometimes_ you can feel happiness again.

One weekend can fly by so quickly and Dan knows he has to make the most of it.

He has this strange sensation whenever he's with Phil and it's new and he's not sure if he likes it but he knows it's better than the constant sadness he's grown so used to. So he embraces and relishes in it, the soft touches and warm smiles that probably linger longer than they should, but who cares? That's the first positive question Dan's ever asked himself.

Dan never believed in love and romance and all the other cheesy things everyone always talked about when he was growing up. But discovering Phil and talking to him and just spending this time with him-

_"Are you okay Dan?"_

Phil asked, sitting down as Dan cuddles into his side. Dan simply smiles in response, locking his brown eyes with blue.

_"Better now I'm here. With you."_  He can feel the heat in his cheeks whilst his smile grows and can see the colour making it's way onto Phil's but he doesn't care because it feels good and normal and he likes it.

And when the elder boy leans down and kisses him, he feels genuine happiness for the first time in a long time.

_Sometimes_ is worse than always but better than never.

Dan knows he'll probably never be truly happy. He has too many questions inside his head which will probably go unanswered from now until he dies. But as he settles down in the chair next to Phil's and presses record, he know there's no where else he'd rather be or be with.

_"Hello there, Dan and Phil games-"_

_"Lady doors."_

_"Dan!"_

**Author's Note:**

> Found this on my old fan fiction account and decided to edit and re-upload it here.  
> Basically a story revolving around depression, existentialism and loneliness I felt in my time at university. But with a Dan and Phil happy ending twist. Hope you enjoy!


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